Bucking the Trends

The current fad in landscaping is to replace your lawn with clover or creeping thyme as those things attract pollinators, plus you don't have to mow.  I have my share of creeping thyme and I'm prepping to add some clover because it keeps the dust down, but I'm not getting rid of the grass.  It's the best for playing volleyball and croquet in the yard, and my environment is much friendlier when we aren't stepping on bees.  Besides, my barnyard friends love those grass clippings.  Mmm-mm!

Minimizing your possessions and living in a tiny house is the lifestyle to live nowdays.  Living selflessly, reducing your carbon footprint, keeping only what you need.  Only what you need?  That sounds selfish.  I'm not into hoarding, but I'm keeping room for family, giving, sharing, hospitality, and a whole lot of people producing not much carbon.

Now I've discovered that the round earth/flat earth discussion is back in fashion.  I admit I'm mildly interested in hearing both sides, but ultimately I don't care.  No matter what shape the earth is, Jeremy Renner is still an actor, I still love my family and friends, and home is still my favorite place to be.

Level Nor Plumb

Hunneypunkin in all his do-it-yourselfness has three problems. One is I've spent all his money so there's no budget left for his projects. The other two problems are these: nothing we own is level, nothing we own is plumb.

Should he hang the curtain rod even with the ceiling, or with the window? Ultimately we split the difference and went halfway in between. If nothing lines up to begin with, why line up anything now?

Do we tile the shower diagonally because the walls don't stand up straight? Forget it, we'll all just take baths.

Jeremy Renner works construction. What would he do? He's probably all level and plumb.

Now if only Hunneypunkin could get me to stop spending all of his money.

Mirrors in the Garden

I enjoy looking at garden and landscape pictures and reading about garden and landscape ideas. It's a perfect pastime when it's too hot to be outside in my own garden and landscape.

If you spend enough time browsing garden and landscape concepts, you'll inevitably stumble into the mirror debate. The creativity camp wants an interesting mirror gracing the garden, and wildlife enthusiasts call cruelty, as birds might be hurt or killed by flying into the mirror thinking it's just more sky.

My question is this: how stupid does a bird have to be to collide with its own reflection? The idea is so preposterous that I can't even come up with a Jeremy Renner reference.

I experimented, myownself. I had a mirror in the garden for years. I'm happy to report no bird deaths. Occasionally a one-man cat fight, but never any bird casualties.

Simplify Your Adventure

Back in the late 1900's all the cool bookworms were eating up the Choose Your Own Adventure books.  Readers had a series of options to select from which would affect which ending of the story they would get, sometimes happy and sometimes not.

Current society seems totally into choosing its own everything, and the available options aren't good enough so it's defying reality to invent more.  You can decide to be a windstorm today and a green skinned purple haired Jeremy Renner tomorrow.  And the bizarrer the options people embrace, the miserabler they become.

After decades of adherence to regular common normal basic monotonous standard average boring established mundane classic traditional customary ways of life, I'm content with my adventure.  Current society despises content people, what with misery loving company and all, but I'm capable of being simultaneously despised and content.  If you're not afraid of being despised by current society and you'd like some joy and peace, simplify your adventure with me.

Summer Drinking Game

It's important to stay hydrated when it's this toasty outside.  I propose this foolproof idea to make sure you drink enough this summer.

Each time you wallow in negative emotions, catch yourself complaining, recall something stupid you said out loud, or watch Jeremy Renner interviews when you're supposed to be mowing the lawn, throw down a fat shot of water.  Whenever you receive a compliment, hear yourself laugh, have a happy thought, or actually finish something you started (not a fight, it has to be something positive), take a drink of lemonade or whatever your favorite bevvy might be.

With this life hack not only will you keep up your fluid intake, you'll also be training yourself to not be a timewasting whinybutt crybaby.

Now get off social media and toss some liquids down the hatch.

Permanent Marker on the Wall

I fashioned a fancy signature as a teenager, as most girls do.  I autographed my bedroom wall because I was interior designy like that.  My parents didn't appreciate that particular form of artistic expression and I was promptly instructed to erase it.  Hey, I'd been respectful, I'd done it in pencil.

As a parent of young children I had to call Hunneypunkin at work to bring home something from the hardware store to remove The Precious's Sharpie art from the walls.

But now my children are big people and I'm a senior citizen I do what I want so I've escalated.  I'm calligraphing on my own walls.  And I'm doing it with a permanent marker.  I'm interior designing the purgatory out of my house, and even Jeremy Renner can't stop me.

Perspective

I read a news story about some guy in a distant state who dressed up as different movie characters and walked through town during the lockdowns just to entertain people who were stuck at home.  People in my own area thought it was cute and sweet and wonderful and creative.

I read another news story about a local guy who did the same thing.  Those same people thought he was a nut job or a freak show.  Everybody was scared.  Someone reported him to the authorities, even though he was doing absolutely nothing but walking down the sidewalk in a costume.

We can't all be Jeremy Renner, people.  Have a little faith in your neighbors.

Eating Like a Goat

It isn't true that goats eat everything.  Goats don't eat the mallow that grow everywhere choking out all other plants and is the bane of my existence.  Goats don't eat it, that its, unless you pick it yourself and hand feed it to them one nibble at a time.  Goats will, however, chow down on a plastic tarpaulin.  If you shout at them to quit, and run to stop them, they'll chow down even faster.  Don't worry though, after you pull a couple miles of tarp out of their throats, whatever they've already ingested will magically turn into garden fertilizer pellets.

Goats, I have learned, are not classed as grazers, but as browsers.  This means they like to roam the neighborhood and sample a weed or two here (if it isn't mallow) and a garden crop there, a flower bush on one side and the saplings you got for Mother's Day on the other.

I have learned also that all parts of the mallow which is the bane of my existence is actually humanly edible and nutritious, just like the dandelion which is the bane of Hunneypunkin's existence.

And now I have learned that lilac flowers too are edible.  So of course I absolutely must experiment with making lilac sugar, lilac honey, lilac syrup, lilac lemonade, and lilac extract.  It occurred to me as I was roaming through my yard like Jeremy Renner on his ranch to collect edible oddities that if I start eating yard plants, it's like I'm turning into the goats that I love and hate so much.

The Case for May

The internet is alive with the explanation for the name of the current month: it may be windy, it may be sunny, it may be warm, it may be snowing, it may be any combination of weather all in the same day.  Nevertheless, I vote yes on the month of May.

Besides Mother's Day, Treasure's birthday, my own birthday I share with Angel Boy whether he acknowledges it or not, Memorial Day, and the last frost date so we all can plant things, this month hosts some other cool dates.

Batman Day, Star Wars Days, No Pants Day, Space Day, Beverage Day, Astronomy Day, Herb Day, Free Comic Book Day, Europe Day, Lost Sock Memorial Day, Clean Up Your Room Day, National School Nurse Day, Twilight Zone Day, Eat What You Want Day, Limerick Day, Frog Jumping Day, Dance Like a Chicken Day, Chocolate Chip Day, Pack Rat Day, No Dirty Dishes Day, May Ray Day, Pizza Party Day, Be a Millionaire Day, Talk Like Yoda Day, Buy a Musical Instrument Day, Scavenger Hunt Day, Sing Out Day, Towel Day, World Lindy Hop Day, Sun Screen Day, Hamburger Day, Put a Pillow on Your Fridge Day, My Bucket's Got a Hole Day, and Macaroon Day.

If Clean Up Your Room Day came first, there may not have been a need for Lost Sock Memorial Day.

For Pixie, every day is Chocolate Chip Day.

For Jeremy Renner, every day is Be a Millionaire Day.

For Hunneypunkin, every day he's married to me is probably Twilight Zone Day.

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Can't believe the number of people sporting fake IDs.  Not counterfeit driver's licenses, but people identifying as victims when they're not.  What purpose does a false identity serve?  Getting you into places that you're not supposed to go.  Places that aren't for you.

This is a picture of a fake ID.

emptiness, codependence, indecision, guilt, insecurity, manipulation, mocking, dejection, gossip, confusion, aimlessness, shame, rebellion, fear, crab mentality, jealousy, disappointment, arrogance, anger, uncertainty, vengeance, psychological abuse, anxiety, neglect, trauma, abandonment, apathy, exploitation, codependence, hatred, depression, rejection, dishonesty, verbal abuse, division, substance abuse, isolation, blame, discouragement, despair, excuses

We all experience those things on occasion, but you're not supposed to live there.  Those stupid games are their own stupid prizes.

Jeremy Renner lived in his car and worked as a makeup artist while working for a better life, but he's not still doing it.  Being a victim is a temporary status, not a permanent residence.

Live up to the identity you were born for.

standards, contentment, motivation, purity, responsibility, unity, honesty, acceptance, generosity, humility, reputation, trust, strength, wellness, courage, purpose, healing, meaning, caring, relationship, laughter, repentance, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control, grace, harmony, mercy, blessing, stability, fulfillment, assurance, affirmation, freedom, forgiveness, respect, boundaries, dignity

Better games, better prizes.

Here's My Attitude, You're Welcome

I'm in such a bad mood today and I have neither guilt nor shame.  I'm in full-on temper tantrum mode because every detail in the world is not existing precisely according to my blueprint.

I wanted to ingest all deliciousness while being slim, healthy, energetic, and just muscular enough to look tough and cool but not bodybuilder-like.  I wanted a wardrobe both stylish and comfortable.  I wanted the weather to be always seventy-five degrees with a slight breeze but no wind, and mostly sunny for the month of April.  I wanted my family and friends to be free from all problems and our teeth to sparkle when we smile like a Crest toothpaste commercial back in the late 1900's.  I wanted our pets to live forever.

I didn't get what I want, I'm mad about it, and I blame Jeremy Renner for no reason.  That is all.

Be Honest With Yourself

That's all I have to say.  You can lie to yourself all you want, but you'll never progress, the people around you will see that reality, and you'll look like a toddler playing hide and seek.  You've seen that, right?  Two-year-olds put their hands over their own eyes and believe you're the one who can't see.

Whether you're Jeremy Renner or a homeless person, learn to tell yourself the truth.  Spoiler: when you're a homeless person who embraces the truth, you won't be homeless long.

When Mother Nature Gets the Holiday Wrong

It's snowing for Holy Week, but don't freak out.  Even though it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, you don't have to let that throw off your groove.  Boil those eggs and get them dyed, bake the rolls, and try not to "preview" too many of those yellow and pink foiled chocolates.  And don't even start on how Resurrection Sunday isn't about bunnies and eggs.  Birthdays aren't about cake either, but I make you one every year and you like it.

I mean, I get it.  Winter's starting a farewell tour, but the audience is over it.  Hold on, we will get through this. Spring will come.  For now, while the wind screams, the sleet swirls, and Jeremy Renner basks in the California sun, keep your winter coat handy, but keep watering those garden starts.  Don't let this nasty weather get you down.  Be like Jesus, and rise.

No Expiration

Proper manners are dying in current society.  People seem to think they don't matter anymore.  (Spoiler: THEY MATTER.)

Say please, thank you, and you're welcome.  People say all the time, "I just don't know how to handle a compliment."  I do.  Say thank you.  Also, if you feel awkward receiving compliments, you need to start giving them more.

Call before you drop in.  If you simply must stop by unannounced, keep the visit short, and don't gossip about how unprepared your victim was for unexpected company.  Spontaneity is cool, but don't confuse it with rudeness.

Treat your friends well, treat strangers as well as you treat your friends, and treat your family better than you treat your friends.  Family doesn't mean absence of boundaries.  Be on time, be awake, be interested, be informed, be polite, be engaged, be appropriately dressed.

Anxiety, depression, and trauma do not exempt you from basic rules of polite society.  Violation of basic rules of polite society catalyzed the anxiety, depression, and trauma in the first place, and a return to the basic rules of polite society will help facilitate restoration of your mental health.

Anything Jeremy Renner gets away with in the movies or on set doesn't matter.  Manners do.

Good manners haven't expired.  We need them now more than ever.  Good manners aren't a power play or a show of stuffiness, they're how you show people respect--for yourself as well as them.

Springtime Roulette

It's a pleasant spring Monday, time for another rousing game of Will the Wind Blow.

Position a sprinkler on just the right spot in the yard and watch it for a while...yes, perfect.  Ten minutes later the gusting begins, the cat's sunbathing on the dry lawn where the sprinkler is supposed be hitting, and all you're watering is the road.

Do your hair all tidy and walk outside for a minute, but without warning a minor hurricane ties your tresses in a noose around your neck and you're scrambling for your life.  The cat sits there and judges you while his fur looks majestic in the breeze.

Transplant some flowers since it's so beautiful out, then a brief gale beats their little leaves to death and your baby plants are now nothing but mulch.  The cat takes a dust bath in the aftermath.

Open the window because it's stuffy in here and lovely out there.  Next thing you know Mother Nature takes a sneeze and your life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout is face down on the floor.  Two seconds flat and the cat's sitting on it.

Maybe I won't put my tomato seedlings out in the sun just yet.

Last of the Good Guys

Lefty and The Precious, on their weekend adventures, happened upon a former classmate of their father's.  He informed them that their father was one of the coolest guys in school, that he was young and wild and free and he did what he wanted, but he didn't do anything bad and he was "the last of the good boys".

Jeremy Renner is cool and all, but in a world where you can choose your identity, don't let good guys be a thing of the past.  Hunneypunkin doesn't have to be the last one.

The Dog Ate My Money

Went from "We're not spending anything extra this month" to blowing a hundred and eleven million dollars on feed and fencing for pets and livestock this weekend.  Who's the idiot who decided we should have all these animals?  Jeremy Renner?  Oh, no, wait.  It was me.

Hair and World War

It's mice or a cat in this house.  Cats eat their own food and go to the bathroom in their own latrine, whereas mice eat my food and go to the bathroom in my food, making the choice obvious.  It's just that there's hair.  Everywhere.  Always.  We clean, we really do, and often, but still.  Hair.  At least it's not hanta virus mouse hair.

Then there are dogs.  I only have two rules, no dogs in the house, no dogs on the furniture.  But my rules are basically pirate code so they're more actual guidelines.  Or not even.  So, more hair.

Then there's my own hair, of which there is an abundance.  And Lefty's hair, that's now long and very cool looking.  Except when it's clogging the shower drain and the lint screen, or statically clinging to the furniture and clean laundry.  Pixie's hair is also long and very cool looking, and also in places of inconvenience.

Foreign nations are invading foreign nations, and there's fear and speculation as to how our own may or may not become involved or affected, and I pray for Ukraine as I scroll through news and social media on my phone, picking hairs off the screen and brushing mine out of my eyes so I can read it.  I dust the furs off the radio while I listen to news updates, and lint roll the couches while I watch TV broadcasts.

And now I have two orphaned goats in the house, because there's not enough variety of hairs floating around the living room.

Zelensky is defending his nation, Jeremy Renner is playing him in a movie, and I'm picking hair off my clothes.

All the Topics

I asked Pixie what I should blog about.

"That I'm tired of Washington and I want to live in Tennessee?  That it's not spring yet but I want it to be?  That everything is dead and brown and ugly outside?  That we didn't drown in the mud when the snow melted?  That has been nice.  I could continue.  Need I say more?"

She's right on all counts.  Girl has all the directness of Jeremy Renner.

Hearts

I don't care how old I am, I'm celebrating Valentine's month like a child.  Paper hearts all over the place, heart stickers on my Notebook of All Things, blueberry muffins baked in heart shaped silicone molds, biscuits cut with heart shaped cookie cutters, heart plant stakes in all the houseplants, cards made out of heart covered paper mailed to the godchildren, cupcakes made in red muffin cups, extra hugs and kisses for all my grown children lucky enough to still be living at home whether they like it or not, a heart tattoo drawn onto the cheek of my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout, and a heart shaped fruit pizza for dessert after dinner tonight.

And I did all that wearing the wool socks Hunneypunkin gave me for Valentine's Day last year.  (Don't judge him, that's what I asked for.  He warms my heart and my feet.)

Life is short.  Live it.

Mama Goes to War for Peace

Peace is my favorite place to be, but mine has been crapped in.  Here's the catch: I'm the one who sets the atmosphere here at Thunder Drive.  So when you diarrhea in the drinking water that I'm serving up to you, what do you think is going to happen?

Angel Boy's been sent to unfurl his wings and either find his own peace or live without it as he wishes.  The Precious just got a ninety-seven mile lecture on the importance of gratitude and a graphic description of how the woman who brought him into this world might take him out unless he learns him some.  Pixie is picking up a second job just to keep herself out of my warpath.  Hunneypunkin spent this weekend looking for the burn cream.

Lefty very wisely keeps his head down, chores done, and mouth shut.

Love, joy, and peace are highly valuable and worthy of protection.  I'm fighting to defend mine, and seeing them restored.  I make no apology.  You mess with my peace in my own home, and you'll feel my Jeremy Renner from Bourne Legacy: "You shoulda left me alone."

Cats

The pets have sent a message loud and clear: Our new brand of cat food is not acceptable.

At first, they merely sniffed their bowl and walked away, and we thought they were just skeptical.  I mean, cats are.  But then they upped their game.  You know they troll the kitchen counters when you're sleeping, but they've started doing it in broad daylight.  Right in front of you.  Making eye contact.  Hunneypunkin sat down to breakfast one morning and immediately had a cat materialize on each knee, sticking their whiskers in his plate.

We thought they would adjust, but the protests have only ramped up.  The Precious sleeps with ear plugs because the sound of kibbles being scraped out of the dish and onto the floor all night long keeps him up.  We wake up from a dead sleep with paws on our chests and claws raking our faces.  There are needly little bite marks in my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout.  Regularly scheduled 2AM howling fits are now hourly throughout the day and night.  Lefty and the Pixie alternate twelve hour shifts opening and closing the front door as inside-outside demands have doubled.

This morning was the last straw.  I woke up to my most recent attempt at knitting all unraveled and the yarn strewn across the living room floor, spelling out "Death to humanity".  I surrender.  We're buying different cat food today.

Snice

Snow on the ground is cool.  Ice on the ground is not awesome.  Here, on the eighty-seventh day of January, it looks like we have pretty snow on the ground, but if you walk out there you find it has melted a little and frozen, and melted a little and frozen, and now what we have is...snice.  

I do not like snice.

Snice is nasty.  It's ugly, hard, crunchy, slick, and filthy.  There are little yellow holes of dog pee in it.  Bits of dead leaves and pieces of trash that have blown in from windstorms are entombed in there.  I put a blindfold on my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout so he doesn't have to look at it.

I'm trying to be optimistic about the snice.  Even though there's no visible evidence right now, I know there are bulbs under there.  The snice will melt and water the ground, and there will be flowers soon.  Hang in there, my friends.  Beautiful things are coming.

All the Little Things

They add up.

Get rid of those bits of vulgarity.  Maybe they seem like no big deal, but they build up like dental tartar and decay your world until your existence is like one giant toothache.  You don't have to be Jeremy Renner to figure this out.

Collect the positive, pure, pleasant, happy, sweet little things.  Share them.  They add up to a beautiful life.

Public Service Announcement/Note to Self

Last year you gained weight, and this year you will have weddings, funerals, and graduation ceremonies to attend, so go out this month and buy yourself nice clothes that fit and are comfortable.  Make sure you also have proper shoes, hosiery, undergarments, and a coat.  Your fat hoodie looks stupid with dress apparel.

Being appropriately dressed shows respect for yourself and others.  Don't complain that you can't afford it. You know you got cash and a couple of gift cards for Christmas, and you could skip a few lattes anyway.  You don't have to be Jeremy Renner to be presentable.  There's no excuse not to do this.  Step up.

Tenth Day of Christmas

It's January third so I cleared out the living room this morning to make room for ten leaping lords, but they never showed.  According to the popular song, Hunneypunkin was supposed to send like Jeremy Renner and nine other dudes bouncing through the house today.  Maybe the snow slowed them down.

Come to think of it, I've milked the cow all by myself all week.  I should have had eight gals to help with that since Saturday.