Acceptance Speech

I love to hate awards shows.  Or maybe I hate to love them.  Listening to acceptance speeches gives me an ulcer.  They all sound equally awkward whether or not they're rehearsed or pre-planned.
Is it negligent to not write out an acceptance speech if you know you've been nominated?  Is it presumptuous to write out an acceptance speech when you don't know you'll win?
I've decided to plan my own acceptance speech now so I'll be ready for the awards I'm certain to win in the future.  They may only be World's Crappiest Blog awards, but I believe in being prepared.  Here goes:

"I'd like to say I'm humbled to be nominated for this award because all the other nominees are my heroes, but the truth is I know I deserve this award more than they do.
I thank my family, who supported me.  As well as my family who didn't.
Thanks to all my fans, you both rock.
[Next I'll extend my gratitude to My Besties and a list of seventeen random names no one will recognize.]
I also thank Fernando the Pool Guy, my good friend (or whatever) Dromiquine, my sisters-in-law Lovesme and Hatesme, Jeremy Renner, and Jake from State Farm for being my inspiration whether they knew it or not.
But first I'd like to thank God, because He owns everything anyway, whether you believe in Him or not.  I just couldn't say that first or some atheist would've shut off the mike."

Middle Earth Meets Narnia

Galadriel is bored by herself, so I sent the following text message to a friend.
"We were wondering if you have a billy that might be interested in hooking up with our she-goat."
I almost collapsed when my friend replied that Tumnus would love to have a conjugal visit.  Tumnus?  His name was Tumnus!  That was funnier than Jeremy Renner!
So our friends are fencing off a private suite in their goat pen so the other wives won't fight with G.  Meanwhile Lefty and Hunneypunkin are building side racks that will convert our lawnmower trailer into a livestock hauler.  Now if both parties agree to the arrangement, then sometime in May or June we'll get to find out what kind of kids result when a powerful elf-witch from Middle Earth marries a kindly faun from Narnia.

My Family Portrait For Our 2014 Christmas Card

Not enough space to fit my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout in the portrait.  Maybe next year.

This Post Has No Title, The Print is Too Small

I broke my glasses, right in the middle.  My life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout is just a giant blur.  Hunneypunkin promised to fix my glasses by with some nice electrical tape to make me look even cooler than I already do.  Hunneypunkin is also just a giant blur.  So without my glasses Hunneypunkin and Jeremy Renner are identical.  Just like they are in real life.  Which is what makes Jeremy Renner a hot guy.  I hope I'm hitting all the right keys because my computer screen is just a giant blur.  I have one last pair of contacts but they feel like sandpaper and after wearing them several hours the world is just a giant blur.  If you've seen me in public and thought I snubbed you please forgive me.  I probably just mistook you for a giant blur.

I Make My Own Traditions

I've never gone trick-or-treating.  Rapunzel and the Wookie didn't believe in that sort of thing when I was a sprout, and to their credit I've also never gotten kidnapped or poisoned or a razor blade in an apple.  When I became a parent myownself, I was always volunteering at the local harvest party, but solo because elk season coincides with Halloween so Hunneypunkin was roaming the hills with a rifle as a manly man should.  After making up costumes for myself and my peeps (I couldn't afford to buy any) and then spending a good couple hours NOT stealing candy from babies (because that's what it means to be a harvest party volunteer) my two ounces of remaining energy had to go into getting my babies home to bed.  Not trick-or-treating.
Seriously, people.  It takes a lot outta you to watch all that chocolate fall into those chubby mitts, without sneaking a little armload for yourself.  Thank a harvest party volunteer, today!
We used to all carve pumpkins together before elk hunting.  But my pumpkin patch failed this year, despite my "Welcome Great Pumpkin" sign on the fence, and my skin blisters if it touches raw pumpkin.  However, I have no allergic reaction to orange balloons tied with green ribbon and wearing Sharpie'd faces.
This year, Angel Doll, Lefty, and The Precious think they're too old for me to dress them up in costumes.  Brats.  Pixie's elfin friend lent her a sparkly formal gown that, paired with Pixie's flaxen locks and Angel Doll's braiding skills, transformed Pixie into Disney's Queen Elsa.
So tonight, Hunneypunkin is roaming the hills with a rifle as a manly man should.  I'm trying to keep my mouth off the candy that Treasure and Angel Boy haven't eaten yet.  Lefty is enjoying a bowl of cheese with chili in it.  Pixie is collecting chocolate homage from the citizens of Arendelle with Elfin girl.  Angel Doll is burning a cinnamon candle and watching The Addams Family, and The Precious is Youtubing the Ghostbusters theme song.  Everybody's arguing over whether we love or hate Monster Mash.  (What's not to love?  It's a graveyard smash!)  I'm wrapped up in my favorite blanket, sipping hot cider from our own apple trees.  My jack-o-balloons and Jeremy Renner's life-size cardboard cutout are watching me sort through my rubber stamp collection while I search Pinterest for Christmas card ideas.  I have a dark chocolate Reese's.  I think this is the best Halloween ever. 

Lefty Gets Offered a Job

Lefty recently stumbled upon an employment opportunity, so I helped him write up a resume'.

Lefty Righthanded, NBK, CBC, ABI, TTYL, IDK

1 Street Address

City, State, ZIP

555-555-5-007

fakeemail@fakeemail.fakeemail

Objective

To make more money than anyone else.  Ever.

Education and Qualifications

Maybe a little

Work History

Birth to present

          Slave labor for father

July 2014-August 2014

          Farm labor for Neighbor Farms

May 2014

          Advertising Department Manager for Vegan Canivores, Inc.

January 2010-April 2014

          Nordic longboat operator
December 2008-December 2009
          Understudy for Jeremy Renner

October 2006-November 2008

           Interplanetary espionage for Covert Organization Intergalactic

February 2005-October 2006

          Independent mercenary

November 2001-January 2003

          Committee to Pick a Different Name for the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia

Activities and Interests

Drawing

Weight training

NBK (Ninja by Knight)

Salsa dancing, with real salsa

A Thief and a Liar

I'm a pathological liar.  Well, that's not exactly true.
“Someone has said that fiction by definition is a lie. By extension this means that fiction writers are liars. In that context, I will admit to it, and go a step further. I will say that fiction writers are thieves.”  -Elmer Kelton

Manila Bulletin asked Jeremy Renner if he was a good liar.  “I suppose if I had to be but I prefer not to,” he said. “Actually, it gets me in trouble to be very frank and honest. I have spoken to you many times over these past years and I have been very frank and very up front about things. I prefer to live my life that way. It is simpler. It is cleaner.”  http://www.mb.com.ph/jeremy-renner-hopes-to-revisit-ph/ 
I thought so too, JR.  But Liar's League calls us both out.  "Well, fiction is basically a lie. So is performance. To be honest, we’re all liars."  http://www.liarsleagueleicester.com/?page_id=46 
"All writers are liars. They twist events to suit themselves. They make use of their own tragedies to make a better story... They are terrible people."  -Nina Bawden
So there's my guilty pleasure, my dirty little secret: I'm a thief, a liar, and a terrible people.  But what can you say?  After all, what's your guilty pleasure? your dirty little secret?  Random Unlimited.  You keep coming back!  Were you covertly enjoying some lies?  Or did you think you'd find some truth?
"Writers are liars, my dear, surely you know that by now?  And yet, things need not have happened to be true.  Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."  -Neil Gaiman
"'You have nice manners for a thief and a liar,' said the dragon.''  -J.R.R. Tolkien