Lefty Gets Offered a Job

Lefty recently stumbled upon an employment opportunity, so I helped him write up a resume'.

Lefty Righthanded, NBK, CBC, ABI, TTYL, IDK

1 Street Address

City, State, ZIP

555-555-5-007

fakeemail@fakeemail.fakeemail

Objective

To make more money than anyone else.  Ever.

Education and Qualifications

Maybe a little

Work History

Birth to present

          Slave labor for father

July 2014-August 2014

          Farm labor for Neighbor Farms

May 2014

          Advertising Department Manager for Vegan Canivores, Inc.

January 2010-April 2014

          Nordic longboat operator
December 2008-December 2009
          Understudy for Jeremy Renner

October 2006-November 2008

           Interplanetary espionage for Covert Organization Intergalactic

February 2005-October 2006

          Independent mercenary

November 2001-January 2003

          Committee to Pick a Different Name for the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia

Activities and Interests

Drawing

Weight training

NBK (Ninja by Knight)

Salsa dancing, with real salsa

A Thief and a Liar

I'm a pathological liar.  Well, that's not exactly true.
“Someone has said that fiction by definition is a lie. By extension this means that fiction writers are liars. In that context, I will admit to it, and go a step further. I will say that fiction writers are thieves.”  -Elmer Kelton

Manila Bulletin asked Jeremy Renner if he was a good liar.  “I suppose if I had to be but I prefer not to,” he said. “Actually, it gets me in trouble to be very frank and honest. I have spoken to you many times over these past years and I have been very frank and very up front about things. I prefer to live my life that way. It is simpler. It is cleaner.”  http://www.mb.com.ph/jeremy-renner-hopes-to-revisit-ph/ 
I thought so too, JR.  But Liar's League calls us both out.  "Well, fiction is basically a lie. So is performance. To be honest, we’re all liars."  http://www.liarsleagueleicester.com/?page_id=46 
"All writers are liars. They twist events to suit themselves. They make use of their own tragedies to make a better story... They are terrible people."  -Nina Bawden
So there's my guilty pleasure, my dirty little secret: I'm a thief, a liar, and a terrible people.  But what can you say?  After all, what's your guilty pleasure? your dirty little secret?  Random Unlimited.  You keep coming back!  Were you covertly enjoying some lies?  Or did you think you'd find some truth?
"Writers are liars, my dear, surely you know that by now?  And yet, things need not have happened to be true.  Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."  -Neil Gaiman
"'You have nice manners for a thief and a liar,' said the dragon.''  -J.R.R. Tolkien

No hablo español

Estoy experimentando un aburrimiento temporal con el idioma Inglés y por lo tanto tengo que escupir mi aleatoriedad usando española.
Mi cara está experimentando un brote feo porque he estado golpeando el chocolate últimamente. Pero estoy perdiendo peso, ya que he estado evitando trigo. Así que eso es todo fresco.
Estoy de blogs en ​​estos momentos, porque es la mejor manera que he encontrado con gestionar el estrés de todas las otras cosas que se supone que debo estar haciendo en este momento. Y hay plazos involucrados, por lo que encontrar una distracción es urgente.
Voy a estar fuera de la ciudad todo el fin de semana sin mis hijos, y aunque yo no he salido de la casa, sin embargo, yo les estoy perdiendo ya.  TODOS ellos.  Pone un dolor en mi corazón.  Yo sólo voy a tener sea Jeremy Renner.
Al menos mientras estoy fuera estaré escalofriante con un par de mejores amigas.
Bueno. El momento de actuar como un adulto, renunció a jugar un poco, y cosas por mi maleta.  

Espero Google Translate hizo un buen trabajo, porque no me gustaría ofender a la gente en español. Hago mucho de eso en mi propia lengua materna, aunque nunca me propongo.

Classic Absurd Pranking

There's a knot in the faux wood finish on the kitchen table where Lefty likes to keep his daily glass of water.  I don't know why sometimes I can't just be a grownup, but one night when Hunneypunkin and I were home alone (that doesn't happen often) I said, "Hey.  Wanna get a little crazy?"
Hunneypunkin just looked at me weird.  (That actually does happen often.)
"Help me turn the kitchen table around," I said.
Again, he just looked at me weird.  (See?  Often.)
"Lefty likes to keep his glass on this knot," I explained.
Hunneypunkin chuckled.  He was totally picking up what I was laying down.  And then even though he had worked like two hundred and sixty-one hours that week, he dragged himself off the couch to help me turn the table around and place Lefty's glass back where it usually sits, but where there was no longer a knot.  Because perplexing the people we live with is how we roll.
I was so happy that I happened to be in the kitchen the next time Lefty strolled in, took a drink of water, and--couldn't set his glass down.  He sounded like Jeremy Renner on a witch hunt when he said, "WHERE IS MY KNOT?!"
Pixie and Angel Doll had to help me turn the table back to its original position so I wouldn't drop it from laughing, Lefty could have his knot back, and balance could be restored to the Force.
Was that a lot of trouble to go to just for five seconds of a pathetic practical joke?  Yes indeed.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Because, as The Precious says, "Classic absurd pranking is what we do."