The day after payday I was thinking, "Should I pay bills, or buy groceries?" And you know that's a question you should never ask on an empty stomach.
So an hour after returning from spending a brizillion dollars on enough edibles and bath tissue to last the household till three days from next week's payday, Hunneypunkin discovered some really neat little lakes and rivers under the house. Cracks in pipes. Major drippage. It seems we have some subhomenal water features going on. The kind that's going to cost us a lot of the money that we like to pretend we're going to make in the future. (Subhomenal=under the house. Get it? I just made that word up.)
To be honest, if I'm going to spend a buttload of money on watery things, I'd love for it to be a fountain and a pond in the backyard. With fish and frogs and lily pads in it. But I like warm showers and indoor running water too. So.
A fascinating side effect of the plumbing excitement is that the solution is going to involve considerable demolition to at least two rooms. It IS time to repaint, mind you, but I was kinda saving those projects for a time when I could budget for them.
So here's my evil plan. Mama's gonna put my Jeremy Renner pants on and get myself a job--or maybe nine of them--cuz Hunneypunkin seems to only be able to put in ninety-seven hours a week of slave labor before he revolts.
Now I'm beginning to smell that I've burned dinner while I've been blogging, and even worse than allllll of this, I'm all out of the Twixes and Reese's I got for Mother's Day and my birthday. My life does NOT love me right now.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Powers for Good
Angel Doll lied to me.
"My class is going to last a little longer than usual today," she told me. "I'll call you when I'm ready to be picked up." It made perfect sense to believe her since she's never lied before in her life and she was looking me straight in the eye like the cherub that she is.
I dropped her off in the quotidian spot at the quotidian time. I picked her up in the quotidian spot when she called and said she was ready. I'm pretty proud of the word "quotidian". I found it in the thesaurus. That's a book of synonyms, not a dinosaur.
Angel Doll looked the same when I picked her up as she had when I dropped her off. She lugged her quotidian backpack and wore her quotidian expression. I'm not really sure whether I'm using the word "quotidian" correctly but I like it. So.
The Lady of the House met Angel Doll with her quotidian disdainful gaze and greeted her with the quotidian condescending flick of her tail. The point I'm making here is that nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was all very, you know. Quotidian.
So three days later Mother's Day showed up, and for the occasion Angel Doll sent me on a ninety-mile, on-foot, uphill-both-ways scavenger hunt to find the present she had built for me, which turned out to be a two potted flowering plants and a brizillian dollar gift card to the best caramel mocha hangout in the western hemisphere. https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Grainery/270676199452
MAMA LOVES MOCHA, and flowering plants! Brizillian is a word I made up myself but I don't recall whether it's spelled brizillian or brizillion. I'm too tired right now to look it up in my previous posts. There's a reason my blog is called Random Unlimited.
Angel Doll hadn't had a longer class. She had sneaked around town after class, buying me presents. She had smuggled her loot home in her backpack. She had stashed the contraband in her room. She had lied to my face about where she had been, and her halo never even tilted. She was so good, Jeremy Renner would have believed her.
You gotta watch those Angels every second. Can you imagine the terror she could wreak if she turned to the dark side? Thank God I taught her to use her powers for good.
"My class is going to last a little longer than usual today," she told me. "I'll call you when I'm ready to be picked up." It made perfect sense to believe her since she's never lied before in her life and she was looking me straight in the eye like the cherub that she is.
I dropped her off in the quotidian spot at the quotidian time. I picked her up in the quotidian spot when she called and said she was ready. I'm pretty proud of the word "quotidian". I found it in the thesaurus. That's a book of synonyms, not a dinosaur.
Angel Doll looked the same when I picked her up as she had when I dropped her off. She lugged her quotidian backpack and wore her quotidian expression. I'm not really sure whether I'm using the word "quotidian" correctly but I like it. So.
The Lady of the House met Angel Doll with her quotidian disdainful gaze and greeted her with the quotidian condescending flick of her tail. The point I'm making here is that nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was all very, you know. Quotidian.
So three days later Mother's Day showed up, and for the occasion Angel Doll sent me on a ninety-mile, on-foot, uphill-both-ways scavenger hunt to find the present she had built for me, which turned out to be a two potted flowering plants and a brizillian dollar gift card to the best caramel mocha hangout in the western hemisphere. https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Grainery/270676199452
MAMA LOVES MOCHA, and flowering plants! Brizillian is a word I made up myself but I don't recall whether it's spelled brizillian or brizillion. I'm too tired right now to look it up in my previous posts. There's a reason my blog is called Random Unlimited.
Angel Doll hadn't had a longer class. She had sneaked around town after class, buying me presents. She had smuggled her loot home in her backpack. She had stashed the contraband in her room. She had lied to my face about where she had been, and her halo never even tilted. She was so good, Jeremy Renner would have believed her.
You gotta watch those Angels every second. Can you imagine the terror she could wreak if she turned to the dark side? Thank God I taught her to use her powers for good.
Don't Wonder
It always shocks me when people ask me if I'm being sarcastic. You shouldn't have to wonder. You should just know. I'm tough and cool. I'm Jeremy Renner. I'm the raw material from which sarcasm is forged.
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