Once upon a time, I thought my family was complete. I had a Hunneypunkin, two sons, two daughters, multiple pets, a home to keep them all in, and what more could anyone ever want? Plus I had great hair thanks to my parents, Rapunzel and the Wookie. (Also I drove an Impala. Everybody wants an Impala whether they realize it or not.)
I had it all, and then a Treasure, an Angel Boy, and a Prince walked into my life. It wasn't so great a mystery that they walked into my life, but somehow they walked into my heart, and I never figured out how they did it.
It really wasn't even so great a mystery that they walked into my heart, because after all, everybody loves a Treasure, you already know I have a seriously soft spot for Angels, and who wouldn't want their own Prince? The mystery was how, once they walked into my heart, it got all tangled up in them.
I was supposed to be tough and cool. I was Jeremy Renner. Unbreachable. Invincible. There was no way I could possibly be vinced. How could I let my heart get tangled? But I did, and the best part is: I don't care. My tough and cool got breached by a Treasure, an Angel Boy, and a Prince, and I don't mind at all. In legality, I have four children, but in my tangled heart, I have seven.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Lice and a Tumor
It's not really that The Precious is a hypochondriac. If you ask him, he'll tell you.
You: "The Precious, are you a hypochondriac?"
The Precious: "I am not a hypochondriac. Wait, what's a hypochondriac? Can you die from it?"
No, he's not a hypochondriac at all, he's just ultra-conscious of his own homeostasis. And he bugs me about it endlessly.
"I had to scratch my head twice this morning, and it itched again just now. Do I have lice?" You have dry scalp. Use conditioner next time you wash your hair.
"I got a cut on my hand. Is it going to get infected?" Use Neosporin. Here's a Spiderman Band-aid.
"Do you see this spot on my arm? What is that? Do I have skin cancer?" I'm blogging right now, quit yammering towards me. It's dirt. Wash it off.
"I was outside when the crop duster flew over the field. Will I die from chemical poisoning?" Not immediately. Take a shower and change your clothes. And leave me alone for a minute, I'm concentrating my magic to pay $1984 worth of bills with $423.
"My stomach hurts. Do I have an ulcer?" No! Drink a glass of water and ease up on the Flamin Hot Cheetos.
"What exactly is an ulcer?" It's a, you know, stomach thing, that, like, hurts or whatever. Stop knocking on the door with stupid questions and let me pee all by myself! Google it! Look it up in one of my sciencey books!
"Look at this bump on my wrist. Is this a tumor?" And then you HAVE to answer in your Schwarzenegger voice but he doesn't get it because Kindergarten Cop was before his time.
"There's something in my eye. Am I going to go blind?" Sorry, you're not likely to need a cool Nick Fury eye patch. Watch a Jeremy Renner movie, he's a sight for sore eyes.
"Mother, I have a big mosquito bite on my head. It's driving me crazy." Are you sure it's not lice and a tumor?
You: "The Precious, are you a hypochondriac?"
The Precious: "I am not a hypochondriac. Wait, what's a hypochondriac? Can you die from it?"
No, he's not a hypochondriac at all, he's just ultra-conscious of his own homeostasis. And he bugs me about it endlessly.
"I had to scratch my head twice this morning, and it itched again just now. Do I have lice?" You have dry scalp. Use conditioner next time you wash your hair.
"I got a cut on my hand. Is it going to get infected?" Use Neosporin. Here's a Spiderman Band-aid.
"Do you see this spot on my arm? What is that? Do I have skin cancer?" I'm blogging right now, quit yammering towards me. It's dirt. Wash it off.
"I was outside when the crop duster flew over the field. Will I die from chemical poisoning?" Not immediately. Take a shower and change your clothes. And leave me alone for a minute, I'm concentrating my magic to pay $1984 worth of bills with $423.
"My stomach hurts. Do I have an ulcer?" No! Drink a glass of water and ease up on the Flamin Hot Cheetos.
"What exactly is an ulcer?" It's a, you know, stomach thing, that, like, hurts or whatever. Stop knocking on the door with stupid questions and let me pee all by myself! Google it! Look it up in one of my sciencey books!
"Look at this bump on my wrist. Is this a tumor?" And then you HAVE to answer in your Schwarzenegger voice but he doesn't get it because Kindergarten Cop was before his time.
"There's something in my eye. Am I going to go blind?" Sorry, you're not likely to need a cool Nick Fury eye patch. Watch a Jeremy Renner movie, he's a sight for sore eyes.
"Mother, I have a big mosquito bite on my head. It's driving me crazy." Are you sure it's not lice and a tumor?
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