Dairy Diet Diary

The Precious put itself on a dairy diet.
Then he texted me: "I ruined it.  I had one piece of popcorn with butter on it."
I assured him his dairy diet wasn't ruined, and after eighteen straight hours of intense therapy he decided he could carry on.
Two days later The Precious said, "I've ruined my dairy diet!  I've been having creamer in my coffee every day!"
I said, "Hello!  The word 'cream' in the word 'creamer' didn't clue you in?"
The Precious said, "I just never thought about it!"
"Wait," I said, "What kind of creamer?  This stuff?  This is non-dairy creamer, even though the phrase is an oxymoron."
"But I read the ingredients," said The Precious.
''Are you sure?"  I said, "Because the can says in bright red letter, 'dairy free, lactose free'."
"There's an ingredient that says it's a milk derivative," said The Precious.
I read the ingredients.  He was right.  "But it still says 'dairy free, lactose free'," I said.
After ninety minutes of discussion and a sort-of night's sleep, The Precious decided he would carry on.
Then there was a birthday in the house.  Years ago our family traded traditional birthday parties--sending invitations, advance housecleaning, entertaining guests--for a simple day of unloading all the love on the birthday person.  The birthday person gets to choose the breakfast, lunch, and dinner menu for the day, we relax and hang out, and anyone who chances upon us that day gets some birthday cake.  Angel Doll chose a birthday menu loaded with dairy products, so The Precious had to choose.  Partake, or pass?  Jeremy Renner himself couldn't say no to our milk-and-butter chocolate cake.  http://www.hersheys.com/pure-recipes/details.aspx?id=184&name=HERSHEY%27S
The dairy diet will re-commence at a later date.

Time Off for Bad Behavior

The best part of a small town is that everything and everyone is right there.  The worst part of a small town is that everything and everyone is right there.  Convenient, except that everyone's business is everybody else's business and no one can plant a tree, pee in the outdoors, or stick a piece of tape on the cat's paw without becoming public record.  And if the community doesn't approve, your record gets a remix and goes platinum.
If common sense and common courtesy were truly common, all would be well, but, as Zazu said to Mufasa, "There's one in every family, Sire.  Two in mine, actually..."  It might be family, friend, foe, or just your run-of-the-mill neighborhood sociopath, but everyone seems to have that special stalker or two who makes a practice of dropping in to spy on and mock you without bothering to call first, like all your regular fans do.
Your regular fans can be reasoned with and will politely give you space when you need it.  That special stalker, however, refuses the hints you drop for it, ignores boundaries you set for it, forces you to go all Jeremy Renner on it, then cries because you hurt it.  The only way to handle your special stalker is like any other naughty child: you have to give it time off for bad behavior.  Kick it to the back porch of your life and lock the back door for a while.  Yes, your s.s. will likely remix your record and illegally distribute counterfeits, but your diehard fans know your work and will recognize the forgery.
Don't hate your special stalkers, and don't hate the community that gossips about you.  Just remember, everybody serves a purpose.  If no other redeeming qualities can be found, your s.s. can still serve as a poor example.  Besides, someone, somewhere, is probably stalking your stalker right now and gossiping about those who gossiped about you.
Then to add insult to injury, some twit is going to blog about it.
Hawk on.

Fast Furious Angel Doll

I forgot that before you go to the Department of Licensing you should have your mail forwarded there.  The DOL waiting room would try even Jeremy Renner's patience.  But I won't complain, because the nice lady who works there is, in fact, a nice lady, which helps to balance out the boredom from hours of watching the sign on the wall that tells which number is currently being helped.
I took Angel Doll to the driving school where she passed the written driver's test this morning, like a pro.  You'd expect taking the test would take more time than actually getting the permit, but.  You know.  The driving school is private, whereas the DOL is government op'd, and Nice Lady is apparently the only employee they own.
It was the ride home from the DOL, though, that was a most fascinating event.  Even though it snowed several inches last night, and Angel Doll has only driven once before, I had enough confidence in her abilities to buckle myself into the passenger seat for the ride home.  But then she plugged in her music for her first cruise as a permitted driver.  Should I be concerned that it was the Fast and Furious theme song?

Phrases I'd Have Coined Had I Thought of Them First (Compilation in Progress)

"Follow your heart.  But take your brain with you."  -Anonymous

"Dating without the intention to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money.  You either leave unsatisfied, or you end up taking something that isn't yours."  -Anonymous

"Fear is just not a part of my life--so much so that if it's involved in somebody else's life and they're close to me, I won't be around them."  -Jeremy Renner

"Whatever He says to you, do it."  -Mary, mother of Jesus

"Grape trumps cherry every time.  Strawberry trumps everything."  -The Precious

"I like people-watching.  But I don't like people watching ME."  -Angel Doll

"Negative results are still results."  -Kunal Nayyar as Rajesh Koothrappali

Fears just not a part of my life - so much so that if it's involved in somebody else's life and they're close to me, I won't be around them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/jeremy_renner.html#l6ye6AhGbpdlEiO0.99

Fear is just not a part of my life - so much so that if it's involved in somebody else's life and they're close to me, I won't be around them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/jeremy_renner.html#l6ye6AhGbpdlEiO0.99

Too Tired for Passive Aggression

In my crankiness, I'm occasionally tempted to sink into passive aggression.  I'm so irritable I could draw a mustache on my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout.  Fortunately I'm too lethargic to be passive aggressive.  I'm even too tired to be passive assertive.

Annihilation of the Funk

For those of you slogging with me through the wasteland between winter and spring, these are my weapons of choice for the assault against the drudgery.
     Sight
Everything outside is ugly, so we mark our computer desktop with something beautiful.
http://www.superbwallpapers.com/movies/the-hobbit-the-desolation-of-smaug-26198/
And then we browse on Pinterest and look at gardening ideas.
http://www.pinterest.com/chevroletmama/
     Smell
We continue burning the pine-scented candles that we bought at the after-Christmas sale to save for next holiday season.  It's okay, we can buy more next holiday season.
And then we browse on Pinterest and find ways to make good-smelly things.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/534028468286073093/
     Sound
We keep youtubing The Gael, written by Dougie Maclean and featured in the Daniel Day-Lewis movie The Last of the Mohicans.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_R7bJahcwc
Or Victor de Andres' rock version of the same, with a little Pirates thrown in for good measure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTDrl6i3FBA
And then we browse Pinterest while the music soaks into us.
     Taste
The holidays are over so we're not supposed to eat anything yummy anymore, except we sneak many additives into the coffee that we're not supposed to be drinking either.
We sip it while we browse Pinterest for healthy recipes that taste good, as if such a thing existed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Renner
     Touch
We wear lotion to hydrate our crackly winter knuckles, and we need to buy some from
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Simple-Joys-Antiques-Gifts/111714792266463?ref=profile
And then we browse Pinterest for homemade lotion recipes and tutorials.
http://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=homemade%20lotion
How do YOU do it?  What do YOU do to get rid of the funk of this non-season?  Spill to me your secrets.  Don't leave me in this alone!

The Part I Don't Love

Every time the season changes I think, "This is my favorite time of year!"  I love watching the green infiltrate the inert world in the spring.  I love living my life outdoors during the summer.  I love the warm hues and tastes of the fall.  I love the radiance of the snow through the winter.
Except right now.  There's a mini-season between winter and spring that is my unfavoritest time of year.  After the last snow and before the new life, there is only ugly.  The sparkle of Christmas is all boxed up, the earth is lifeless, the sky and the ground are the same color: dead.  The outdoors is dirty and it's too cold to wash.  The Precious is cranky.  Lefty is quiet.  Angel Doll is preoccupied.  Pixie keeps flying into the window glass in a vain attempt to flee to a warmer climate with the rest of her kind.  Hunneypunkin hibernates.  Jeremy Renner is happy to live in Cali.
I'm restless and irritable and the money is gone.  There is no attention span.  I want colors.  Flavor.  Heat.  Fire!  Music.  Beauty.  Life.  I want to pick lunch from the garden.  I want ultravioletness.  I want New Zealand.
We carry on, zombie-like, waiting for Genesis.  It's too long till Easter.  I need resurrection.

Oh To Be a Dwarf

The Precious insisted that I go see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug before it left the theater, lest I break my record of having seen all the Lord of the Rings & Hobbit films on the big screen.  It was a magnificent idea, so Pixie and I, along with besties danilb https://www.blogger.com/profile/14147195839561049985 and Munchkin, spent a magnificent hundred and sixty-one minutes gazing upon the magnificent Richard Armitage in his magnificent portrayal of the magnificent Thorin Oakenshield.  Studmuffin alert!  You kinda wanna sink your fingers into that luxurious hair and climb up his braids and bite him on the lip.  Admit it, ladies of America, you're all thinking it.  I'm just the only one with enough judgement lapse to say it out loud.  The whole thing is so red-blooded, you keep expecting Jeremy Renner.
I got to thinking, watching those rock-dwellers with their fabulous manes trekking through the perilous terrain, that the poor gents needed a girl along on that trip to help with the cooking and to babysit Bilbo.  All of us who have ever left the youngsters home with Dad (speaking of lapses in judgment) know that you need a girl for childcare.  How many times and how many ways can you lose a Hobbit for crying out loud?  Strap that little dude to your back and get hiking already!
Couldn't I watch the movie like a normal individual?  Nope.  I just can't stop being the Mama, and analyzing what an easier time those adorable sirs would have had of it, had I been there to manage their affairs and help spank the bad guys.  And just think how perfectly I, with my impressive lineage of excessive hair, would fit in with an amassment of dwarves.  I'd never have to use a razor again, and my tweezers could be reserved for slivers.