Wicked Sweats and Ninjas

I wanted to be Tough and Cool for Halloween but I got stuck being An Invalid instead.  I had tiny ninja warriors tossing their throwing stars around in my abdomen.  I used to think ninja warriors were neat.  Now I just hate them.
I threw up at 6 am on an empty stomach.  That is some special kind of serious painage right there.  Then at noon I had to cough.  More ninjas.
I took a shower thinking the warm steamy water would relieve the body aches but I just found myself curled up in the shower in a fetal position, clutching my tummy and crying for my mommy and trying not to drown.
I slobbed around all day in my sweats.  Literally.  The sweats alternated with chills.  This was not the kind of cool I had in mind.
After the shower I slept on my wet hair.  Later when I willpowered myself into the bathroom in case I had to "go" (and I couldn't really tell whether I needed to because I couldn't feel anything but generalized acute bodywide discomfort) and accidentally glimpsed the mirror I was fascinated by how many directions my -do can go all at once.  Def not the look I'd pose in for a photo op with Jeremy Renner.
I managed to swallow nine entire cracker crumbs plus a sip of orange juice and keep it all south so I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Then Angel Doll offered me a Reese's peanut butter cup saying, "Cures what ails ya," because she learns these home remedies from me, but I couldn't eat it.  I have never before in my life been unable to snarf a Reese's.  I also had to cancel my sixteen-ounce caramel mocha appointment with my uncle this morning.  Am I dying?
So Pixie went to the costume party in my black nail polish and my black lipstick and my spike collar collecting my candy while I was spilt on the couch at home with my wicked sweats and ninjas.  My kidneys are so sore right now.  I can actually feel my adrenal glands sitting atop the kidneys and sobbing their little hormones out.  I can feel my pulse in my arm hair.  Every time I move the ninjas dance.
This is the stupidest Halloween ever.  I despise Halloween anyway, I'm only in it for Reese's wares.  I don't know who Reese is, but I adore his work, and I'll be "borrowing" a bite now and then from Pixie's stash as soon as I banish the ninjas.