Uncommon Sense

I must confess to an unusual way of navigating life.  I feel alone about it, so holler back if you do this too.

For legal matters, I refer to an attorney.  When my back is out of alignment, I see a chiropractor.  If my muscles are tight, I make an appointment with a massage practitioner.  In matters of women's reproductive health I schedule with an ob-gyn.  (A lady one!)

As for parenting matters I've always deferred to well-rounded child psychologists, particularly those known to have successfully raised children to competent adulthood.

I seek financial advice from my financial advisor.  I speak with a knowledgeable, genuine, honest pastor for spiritual help.  I listen to news from trustworthy and unbiased reporters, and straight from the horse's mouth when possible.

I get entertainment, but not political direction, from entertainers.  Jeremy Renner, for instance.  And I'm not interested in health instruction from politicians.

Is it just me?

Dry Erase Markers

Dry erase markers aren't just for white boards in this house.  They work well for leaving notes and messages on the Formica countertops.  I like to use them for writing the contents and date on reusable containers of leftovers in the fridge.

If you're into home canning, you can label your jars with dry erase markers.  I used to write on the lids, but it's easier to read the fronts of the jars when they're sitting on the shelf.  (You really don't want a swallow of beet water when you're thirsty for grape juice.)

Life hack: if the dry erase marker doesn't wash off the countertops, Formula 409 will not help, but SOS pads will.

Dry erase marker does not easily come off of your life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout.  And when I find out who's responsible, you'll find out what else I can do with a dry erase marker.

Time to Change Things Up

We recently binge-watched the entire series of Poldark, after we finished all of Downton Abbey (again) including the movie. Don't judge. It's icy cold outside. This is the season for binging on television. Anyway,  Hunneypunkin was channel surfing and there wasn't much on. So he looked at me and said, "Do you want to start something?"

Knowing full well he was asking what series I'd like to binge-watch next, I slammed my phone across the (carpeted) floor, threw the blanket off myself, got all up in his face and yelled, "You wanna fight? Do YOU want to start something? Do we need to take this outside? Come at me, bro!"

He didn't even blink. He just stared at me till I was through, and said, "I knew as soon as I heard my own words come out of my mouth that that would be your reaction."

Now, you have to understand that a key factor to effective sarcasm is don't let them see it coming.

He saw it coming.

I've become predictable.

There are only two choices now: die of shame, or up my game. I'm going to have to Jeremy Renner up.

Everyone Wants To Be Alpha

Old Dog was getting old, so Pixie got a new dog who could learn the family rules and boundaries from Old Dog.  Old Dog immediately established herself as the alpha, and the new dog let herself be the beta.  Angel Doll also got a new dog, who was also willing to submit to Old Dog's alpha status.  Neither new dog, however, was willing to play second beta.

The new dogs established a fight club that even I was afraid of, until finally Angel Doll's new dog packed up and left home, which was heartbreaking for all of us but better than someone getting dead or maimed in a dog fight.

Subsequent research taught us that a male and a female are less likely to fight for dominance than two males or two females, and we didn't want the remaining new dog to be all alone when Old Dog went to the happy hunting grounds, so we picked out a male dog from the animal shelter.

Lefty and The Precious, getting acquainted and approving of Shelter Dog, said, "I thought you said this was a boy."

Shelter Dog was no Jeremy Renner.  He was a girl.

Fortunately, Shelter Dog learned fast that Old Dog was the boss, and wasn't in a hurry to challenge Pixie's pet for dominance either.  But then...

Old Dog went to dog heaven.  Pixie's Pet became alpha.  The Precious was followed home by a stray ("Can we keep it?"), and would you believe, it's another girl.  And while the new girl acknowledges that Pixie's Pet is number one, she's not sure that Shelter Dog outranks her.  Here we go again.

Getting Good at Faking It

Seriously.  I didn't hear all that well to begin with, but now being in public is extra fun.  What with crackly drive-up window microphones, the plexiglass savior walls, and then the mucous mufflers blocking the ability to see anyone's mouth move, I can't even make an educated guess as to what people are saying to me these days.

Mostly I assume people aren't saying anything to me at all, but when they lean around me and into my face, I begin to believe someone is attempting to communicate.  At that point I just imagine what their snuffling might be about, and give a generic response.

Maybe they're apologizing for getting in my way so I'll give a "No worries."

Or it might be a greeting so I just say, "Hi."

When the bank teller said, "Mffff blpr tnnnf lrmr," at the drive up window I simply replied, "Okay."

I could have had a non-conversation with Jeremy Renner in Fred Meyer and not even known it.

The best all-purpose answer I have is, "You too."  Now that might be a problem if whatever they're saying isn't nice...but it would only be a problem for the other person, because whatever I imagined they were saying was pleasant.

Checking Email

No, I don't need Silver Singles, thank you.  I'm not single.  I'm not even that silver.

Messages marked URGENT, HURRY, or LAST CHANCE get deleted without a second look.  Aren't electronics supposed to make our lives simpler and full of ease?

Very few online petitions are for real.  If any.  Not signing.

I don't click links, especially not regarding my Amazon order (that I never placed) from asboinrioelwknflvkjfg.dltpohoghnlarelot@scammer.com.

It isn't true that I'll SAVE MONEY on my purchase of any product from any website.  The only way I save money is by actually saving real money.

If I want to know that someone "liked" my social media post, I'll take a look at my social media post.

I probably ought to take a look at those statements, but in all reality, I'm not gonna.

I already know what Jeremy Renner is up to, I saw him on Instagram.

Ooh, there's what I wanted to see!  The latest news from the homeowner's associating that my email address somehow got mistakenly included in.  I've never met those people, but I love them now.  It's good to know that life goes on in my HOA.

Feeling Tame

Things I've already accomplished so far in the new year:

Made it out of bed every morning.

Picked up a gift for an upcoming birthday.

Tucked away nineteen cents for a rainy day.

Destroyed the house on a "let's paint this wall" whim.

Kept the family fed...or at least supplied with something they can cook for themselves.

Things I haven't done so far this year:

Killed.

Robbed.

Rioted.

Looted.

Bombed.

Got drunk and picked up women.

Asymptomatically infected anyone.

Watched a Jeremy Renner movie.

Insurrected.

Hm. Now that I read this back to myself, my life looks pretty lame. Time to up my game, maybe.