Getting Good at Faking It

Seriously.  I didn't hear all that well to begin with, but now being in public is extra fun.  What with crackly drive-up window microphones, the plexiglass savior walls, and then the mucous mufflers blocking the ability to see anyone's mouth move, I can't even make an educated guess as to what people are saying to me these days.

Mostly I assume people aren't saying anything to me at all, but when they lean around me and into my face, I begin to believe someone is attempting to communicate.  At that point I just imagine what their snuffling might be about, and give a generic response.

Maybe they're apologizing for getting in my way so I'll give a "No worries."

Or it might be a greeting so I just say, "Hi."

When the bank teller said, "Mffff blpr tnnnf lrmr," at the drive up window I simply replied, "Okay."

I could have had a non-conversation with Jeremy Renner in Fred Meyer and not even known it.

The best all-purpose answer I have is, "You too."  Now that might be a problem if whatever they're saying isn't nice...but it would only be a problem for the other person, because whatever I imagined they were saying was pleasant.

Checking Email

No, I don't need Silver Singles, thank you.  I'm not single.  I'm not even that silver.

Messages marked URGENT, HURRY, or LAST CHANCE get deleted without a second look.  Aren't electronics supposed to make our lives simpler and full of ease?

Very few online petitions are for real.  If any.  Not signing.

I don't click links, especially not regarding my Amazon order (that I never placed) from asboinrioelwknflvkjfg.dltpohoghnlarelot@scammer.com.

It isn't true that I'll SAVE MONEY on my purchase of any product from any website.  The only way I save money is by actually saving real money.

If I want to know that someone "liked" my social media post, I'll take a look at my social media post.

I probably ought to take a look at those statements, but in all reality, I'm not gonna.

I already know what Jeremy Renner is up to, I saw him on Instagram.

Ooh, there's what I wanted to see!  The latest news from the homeowner's associating that my email address somehow got mistakenly included in.  I've never met those people, but I love them now.  It's good to know that life goes on in my HOA.

Feeling Tame

Things I've already accomplished so far in the new year:

Made it out of bed every morning.

Picked up a gift for an upcoming birthday.

Tucked away nineteen cents for a rainy day.

Destroyed the house on a "let's paint this wall" whim.

Kept the family fed...or at least supplied with something they can cook for themselves.

Things I haven't done so far this year:

Killed.

Robbed.

Rioted.

Looted.

Bombed.

Got drunk and picked up women.

Asymptomatically infected anyone.

Watched a Jeremy Renner movie.

Insurrected.

Hm. Now that I read this back to myself, my life looks pretty lame. Time to up my game, maybe.

Happy New Year

No resolutions, I'm just reverting to precedented times.  Who's with me?  And we'll recruit Jeremy Renner.

Cream of Onion Soup

Mostly I was a polite and grateful child, but there was that year of cream of onion soup.

We had moved to a new town so I was nervous about measuring up to the other third graders.  All the kids had shiny superhero lunchboxes filled with Oreos, cheese sticks, a turkey sandwich, and a bag of Doritos that they would trade with other kids for Twinkies, green grapes, pretzel sticks, and a pb and j.  Except me.  I had a Tupperware tote with a little Thermos of cream of onion soup in it.

I didn't like cream of onion soup, and even worse, cream of onion soup has zero trade value in third grade.

I hated my life.

Years later the cream of onion soup made sense.  At the time there was no work, there was no money, and there were few options, but we had onions.  So my mother, Rapunzel, had tied her hair out of her way and made cream of onion soup, frozen it in little batches, and got up every morning to cook it and preheat my little Thermos to keep the soup hot until lunchtime.  When I complained, she told me how healthy it was, and like moms have been doing for generations, she omitted the more brutal details such as our household being on a knife's edge and about to be plunged into the depths of financial calamity.  Jeremy Renner couldn't have done a better job of acting as though everything was and would continue to be fine.

So if it's not too late, Mom, thank you.  Cream of onion soup, cream of anything soup actually, will always bring me happy thoughts of you.  All soup does, really.  Campbell's got nothin on you.

"These Masks Are Uncomfortable"

A much as we dislike discomfort, it's not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself.  Discomfort is a warning that calls for action.  When your leg is half numb, half pins-and-needles, you might think it's time to change position and get some blood circulating in that limb.  The empty sensation in your growling stomach could be saying you need food right away.  Teeth lodged in your butt cheek and blood soaking into your pants may indicate that you've sat on the cat and should get up immediately.  Shortness of breath, dizziness, mausea, lightheadedness, bacterial pneumonia, headaches, nasal lesions, impaired cognition, hypoxia, facial rash, skin breakdown, sinus congestion, lowered blood oxygen levels, chronic coughing, increased airway resistance, carbon dioxide accumulation, fainting, weakened immune system, screaming at strangers, or unreasonable rage at the sight of another person's nose or lips could be telling you to quit smothering yourself.

Now don't you go all Jeremy Renner on me.  You do you.  If wearing your face naked makes you uncomfortable, cover that sucker.  If the muzzle causes you discomfort, then rip that bad boy off.

The Precious Can't Stop Talking

People think The Precious is such a nice boy, and he is, but he's not the same kind of quiet polite humble kind generous thoughtful caring sincere intelligent magician at home as he is in public.  Around here he's a smidgen more impish. And talkative.  Very, very talkative.  And quite honestly, Pixie could live without that.

Maybe it's the nicknames he has for her.  Pipsqueak, Pied Piper, Pequeña, Parrot, Penny, Pick-Up-Sticks, Pick-Me-Up, Eduardo.  She despises every new title he comes up with for her.  He can't see why.

It could be that she is far too often the lone subject of his monologues.

"Does Pixie have an opinion on the matter?  Asking for a friend.  The friend doesn't care whether Pixie has an opinion on the matter.  I'm just asking for him.  I'm hungry.  Why isn't Pixie cooking me something?  I love my little sister so much.  I wish she could fathom it."

One of these days she's going to go all Jeremy Renner on him and I won't be able to stop her.