Hunneypunkin Code

Because Hunneypunkin leaves for work at an unheavenly hour, he often leaves special requests in unspoken messages.

Occasionally I find a stick of his deodorant sitting on the kitchen counter. This is his way of asking me to add that to my shopping list.

If his flannel shirt is laid across my laptop, he's hoping to have a button sewn back on. His cellphone left on top of my phone indicates he'd like to have his plugged in once mine has finished charging.

Once in a while someone suggests that this practice is somehow a signal that he takes me for granted. I don't think so. Because I park the car in front of the shop door to inform him that this vehicle needs some attention. Hey, it works for us.

Last week he put a 'rona mask on my life-size Jeremy Renner cardboard cutout. I still don't know what that means.

Losing Interest in Everything Uninteresting

I'm so bored of apocalypses.

You?

Heard Jeremy Renner is putting out some new music, might check that out.

Weighing In on Ornamental Grasses

Let's set aside all the current world drama and talk about a subject that actually needs to be discussed: ornamental grasses.

What are the rules for ornamental grasses?

• house-height to grass-height ratio
• pairing with evergreens
• minimum/maximum circumference of a single stand of grass
  

Who decides whether a grass is ornamental or...whatever is the alternative to ornamental?

If I find a particular grass unattractive, does that make it non-ornamental?

Are ornamental grasses as low-maintenance as they are touted to be?

Have we collected statistics on how many people understand that low-maintenance doesn't mean no-maintenance?

Do folks who fail to low-maintain their low-maintenance ornamental grasses recognize that said failure results in their ornamental grasses becoming non-ornamental?

If an ornamental grass is planted near an unornamental home, does this upgrade the house or downgrade the grass?

How many ornamental grasses are too many ornamental grasses?

Allow these questions lead you into a deeper examination of the world of ornamental grasses, and next time we'll address other topics of importance such as mandolins, Jeremy Renner, and southern accents.

My Favorite Time of Year

I know I said this when winter turned to spring and when spring turned to summer, but I have to say it again.  This is my favorite time of year!  And I'm sure I'll say it again when autumn turns to winter.  I like seasons, okay?

There's so much to love about fall.  Apples, hot cider, cornstalks, candy on sale, sweaters, boots, bonfires, leaf piles, fluffy blankets, pumpkin spice everything, haters of pumpkin spice everything, mums.

Epic sword (rake) fights with lightsaber sound effects.  (Wait, is that just us?)

Hayrides.  Those were cool before Mad Masked Governors were a thing.

Grape juice.  My family understands this.

Watiting for Orion, because is there any better constellation?  There is not.

You can legitimately enjoy Christmas music on a frosty morning and then afternoon yard work in the sunshine and a t-shirt all in the same day.  Autumn is hot AND cool.  Like Jeremy Renner.

Give us your favorite things about fall!

Dear Housesitter

Why can't I just say, "The key is under the mat, help yourself to what's in the fridge, the dog food bin is next to the washing machine," like everybody else?

We were planning a long weekend for one last hurrah before summer ended, and it took me three days to write out instructions for the Best Ever house-sitter.

This is the key to the front door, this is the key to the back door, why we don't have them keyed alike we don't know, this is the key to the shed, and this key which looks exactly like the first three, we don't recall what it goes to but we can't take it off the key ring because someday we will suddenly need it and remember.

The house cats can go outside but the outside cats aren't allowed in the house.  But the house cats have to stay inside after dark, but they will try to sneak out if you open the door.  If they manage to escape, you can hunt all night and never find them but if they are not eaten by coyotes in the dark, they will materialize from nowhere on the porch at sunup to curse you for leaving them out there.

If loud tapping on the window wakes you up in the night, it's only the house cat and the garden cat fighting through the glass.

You can eat whatever you find in the fridge.  Speaking of the fridge, it makes an occasional knocking sound, no one knows why, don't be alarmed.  Could be a leprechaun.

No amount of turning the kitchen faucet will make it stop dripping until the new faucet is installed.  Meanwhile we apologize for the water torture.

The turkey will fly up to roost on the top rail at night, and he'll stay up there till he thirsts to death unless you poke him with this long stick to make him fly down every morning.

There is no surprise baby turkey like last time we left you in charge.  (Still sorry about that.)

The dog will chew all your things but only if you're not looking.

The goat gets her head stuck in the fence twice daily and you have to turn her head to her left while you tilt her horns to the back to release her.

The low-flow water-saver toilet has to be flushed twelve times before everything goes down.  We have yet to understand the water-saving feature.

All the stove burners are currently functional.  (A brizillion points to Hunneypunkin.)

Here is the TV remote.  Here is the DVD remote.  Here is the Blu-ray remote.  Here is the VCR remote.  Yup, still have one.  Here is the CD remote.  Here is the air conditioner remote.  It doesn't work with this air conditioner.  I don't know why we still have it.

Here is my collection of Jeremy Renner movies.

Here is my life savings, though for all this you deserve so much more than thirty-six dollars.

Pixie's Alter-Ego

Pixie, who has had the same phone number since the dawn of Pixie sharing a phone with her sister, has had her digits hijacked.  A mysterious Brittany seems to have given Pixie's number as her own at some point, and for over a year now we've learned a few random items about Brittany via text message.

Brittany recently qualified for a free year of Netflix.  (We can all hope she will reject pedophilia and decline the offer.)

Brittany hasn't signed for a package.

Brittany needs to sustain her celebrity status.  (What does that even mean?)

Ian says Brittany hasn't signed for a package.

Brittany's keto pills are ready.

She has at least $3000 waiting for her.

Tom says Brittany hasn't signed for a package.

Brittany's prescription is ready to pick up at the pharmacy.

Her Amazon order has shipped.

Brittany hasn't signed for a package.

She has a limited time offer for twenty percent off her next jewelry order.

She hasn't signed for a package.

A couple of more recent texts have been rather inappropriate.  Not to be judgy, but it might be best for Brittany to spend her time and attention on something better than Netflix. 

And, once again, Brittany hasn't signed for a package.

Brittany's text messages are daily routine now.  She's not nearly as interesting as Jeremy Renner.

I'm Moving Up in the World

My waking hours of late have been lived in the garden as God intended, now that it's spring.  There are seeds to sow, weeds to pull, flowers to plant, weeds to pull, grasses to mow, weeds to pull, and fences to mend.  Not to mention, everywhere I look there are weeds to pull.  Who has time for email?
So when Mother Nature went all Antifa this weekend I decided to hide out in the house and clean out my inbox till the fire and brimstone monsoon got tired of rioting and looting my yard.
After retrieving payment receipts and other items of importance from the junk folder, I perused the Olive Garden specials, Costco ads, State Farm correspondence (with Melanie, not Jake...she's not a guy, so...) then a message from Pat with some landscaping quotes for our homeowner's association and a few questions from Ellen for our next HOA meeting.
But I don't know Pat or Ellen and I'm not part of an HOA.
I ignored the HOA emails at first, but when Amit alerted the neighbors of a bear rummaging through David's and Vinny's trash, I became emotionally involved.  Are bears common in their area?  Will these people be safe?  If they buy mulch, will the local wildlife vandalize their investment?  Why hasn't Sarah or Brian responded?  Have they noticed my email address cc'd on these emails?  Do they suspect my unintentional eavesdropping?  Are they Jeremy Renner fans?  What will happen with the playground area?  Is the county or the HOA responsible for the berm?
At the risk of being removed from the thread and living out the rest of my days in unsatisfied curiosity, I introduced myself in a "reply all".  As it turns out, Ellen made me feel at home, Larry has already spoken with Fish & Wildlife about the bear in the area, Steve offered to let me chime in on landscaping, and I'm feeling pretty cool about being in an HOA.